I Almost Walked Away

🪫 I haven't felt like myself

I've been going through one of the hardest mental periods I've had in a long time. Most days, I wake up without really looking forward to anything.

Sometimes I sit at my computer knowing there are things I could be doing, but I can't bring myself to start. Other days I sleep because being asleep feels easier than figuring out what to do with myself.

I've noticed how much I've been avoiding lately. Even the things I care about have started to feel difficult to face.

And I'm tired in a way that more sleep hasn't been able to fix.

🕊️ What does it mean to feel free?

I've thought about freedom a lot during this period.

There are moments where I just want to get away from everything and feel free from the life I'm currently living. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've started questioning what I'm actually trying to escape from.

Maybe freedom isn't leaving everything behind.

Maybe it's reaching a place where you no longer feel the need to escape your own life.

I don't know exactly what that looks like for me yet. I'm still trying to understand it.

❤️‍🩹 The thing I almost walked away from

There was a point where I wanted to give up on PositivityKaizen too.

I wondered whether any of this still mattered and whether I had anything left to give to it.

Then I remembered why I started.

I wanted to create something meaningful to me while hopefully making a difference in someone else's life. After 976 days, that hasn't changed.

PositivityKaizen still means something to me.

Maybe that's exactly why walking away from it didn't feel like freedom either.

🌫️ I'm writing this from the middle

I wish I could write this letter from the other side and tell you exactly what I did to get myself out of this period.

I can't.

I'm still in it.

There are still days when I avoid things. I still don't know what I'm looking forward to sometimes, and I'm still trying to understand what I want my life to look like from here.

The only thing I know is that giving up on what still matters to me isn't going to bring me closer to that life.

So right now, showing up for myself looks smaller than it used to.

Some days, doing one thing I've been avoiding is enough. I'm trying to stop expecting myself to fix everything at once and instead give myself somewhere small to begin.